Always the one he let get away, the one he misses now that I’m gone, the best thing that ever happened to him, the love lost. Why not the one he would never let slip away,the one he treats right the first time around,the one he appreciates while he still has me? I hate being the mistake that someone made. Why can’t I be the best decision he’s ever made in his life. I know the clinche says that you don’t miss a good thing until its gone, but just for once can I be the girl he cherishs from the start. I mean it can be flattering to be called someone’s standard, the one the other girls have to live up to? But wouldn’t it have made sense to let me be my own competition in the first place? Have me continue to surpass my own standards rather than attempt to find someone else that might not be able to? What is it about me that doesn’t make me worthwhile until after the relationship has ended? When did I become the good thing that someone doesn’t want to keep around? And what prevents me from finding the person willing to treat me right from the beginning? But if this keeps happening to me can I really blame the males I get involved with? I’m really starting to believe that I have a faulty ass attraction radar, one that allows me to be drawn towards people that don’t deserve what I have to offer. I’d change it if I could, but the guys I’ve been attracted to are so vastly different that I don’t even know if there is a quality that I could isolate and force myself to stay away from. Hell maybe there’s something deep inside of me the compels the kind of guy to not embrace a good thing. And I KNOW I’m a good thing. Too many guys have told me this post-relationship to not believe its true. Its the getting someone to realize that while the relationship is still intact that I need to work on. That would be rather lovely. if I could figure that out sometime in the near future. 

onlinecounsellingcollege:

1. Be willing to make lots of mistakes. Mistakes are life lessons – you learn from them. It’s better to do something than to never take a risk.

2. When you’re choosing a career, think of jobs that you will love. It doesn’t feel like work if it is something that you love. And if you…

So I had a dream last night. And it was pretty awesome. The dream seemed to be a visual memoir of a fictional romantic relationship. In this dream I had a stupidly attractive male as my boyfriend. And he acted as if his entire world revolved around me. We didn’t even have sex in this dream And you could tell our chemistry was on FIRE. We could barely keep away from each other for more than a moment’s time. Whether it was holding hands, or stealing kisses when people weren’t watching or being cuddled up with one another during car rides with friends/family, we seemed undeniably drawn to one another. And his family loved me. It was fantastic. And then I woke up. 

Dream Analysis: Simple, I miss being in a relationship. And I the only thing holding me back from one is finding someone that I have an undeniable chemistry with and want to spend all day kissing and giving all of my attention to an appropriate male counterpart. *sigh* If only mister dream guy were real…

Some people might think I have high standards when it comes to relationships, cause even though I want a relationship and there are a couple of guys right now that would probably love to be my boyfriend and would make pretty decent boyfriends, I still remain single. But I refuse to date someone I don’t feel like I have chemistry with.  I don’t just want someone that’s cute. I don’t just want someone that’s fun to hang out with. That’s what friends are for. I NEED the chemistry (attraction + personality + commitment). And I know that some people say that the chemistry might come if you just give someone a chance. Well I say fuck that. I want the chemistry from the jump. And if I can’t find that anytime soon, then oh well, I guess I’ll just be single. I’m only 23 so I’m nowhere near the point of desperation yet. So until then, I’m going to keep my standards high in the sky. 

I think I want to be in love more than I actually want to be in a relationship. My strong desire to love and be loved in return has really caused me to be semi-obsessive. Obsessive about wanting relationship, obsessing about why I’m still single, obsessing over why it seems that guys I’m attracted to don’t think I’m relationship material. But I don’t even know if I want a relationship. I just want to be in love. Have someone to give all my attention to. A connection that isn’t physical or guided solely by sex, which seems to be the only types of connection guys I feel like I have chemistry with want to throw my way. But I have a difficult time thinking that the kind of connection I want could be established on a non-relationship basis. Therefore, being in a relationship is just the means to an end. LOVE. But I don’t want to be in love with someone that doesn’t want to be with me. Cause I’ll be damned to give all my love to someone that isn’t willing to do the same, or that wants to share their love. I need the commitment aspect. So it seems like a relationship is the obvious route. But I can’t be in a relationship if no one wants to be with me. But all I really want is to be in love again. Is this making any sense? Probably not. Oh well. 

I wish I could be attracted to some of the guys that are interested in me, but I’m not. A couple of them are really nice dudes, and would probably make awesome boyfriends, but I just don’t feel a connection there. And when I say attraction, I don’t mean solely looks. I mean that undeniable pull towards someone where you can’t resist the chemistry between you. I want that. And I won’t settle for less. But I sometimes wish I could have that spark with some of the guys that I know are attracted to me. But I don’t. And could never talk to/be in a relationship with someone that I do not have that kind of connection with. Cause I’ve felt that connection before. And anything less than is sub par. I could never be satisfied with that.

Some people don’t miss a good thing until it’s gone. It takes losing someone to realize that person’s worth. But there are those others, that no matter what you try, they’ll never realize how much of a good thing you are and it’s just better for you if you’re gone. The tricky part is determining who’s worth going back for once you’ve decided to walk away and who you should continue to leave the fuck behind.